Campus dumping scandal?!?

The Bay County Health Department announced a shocking new scandal surrounding Florida State University Panama City this week. For years now, Garnet and Gold has been taking over the Gulf of Mexico and parts of the Atlantic Ocean. Researchers and scientists have formed many tests and it was always conclusive that Florida State University had a contagious effect that kept spreading Garnet and Gold. With collaboration from the Florida State Diving program and the Environmental Protection Agency, those tests are now false, as new evidence has come to surface.

Subsequently, due to numerous complaints filed from residents incurring vibrant Garnet and Gold colors through their water supply lines, it was time for action.  The Gainesville health department issued a local water hazard until they discovered more information. Teams of ocean researchers were tasked to start the nearly impossible tracking progress, roughly a year ago, until it led them to the 26-acre waterfront campus of Florida State University.  Confronted with hard evidence of the leak, Florida State University was forced into helping different government agencies identify where the leak was coming from. After multiple dives, it was apparent there was never a leak. Instead, research shows Florida State University is behind one of the largest dumping scandals of all time, even larger than the infamous BP oil spill.

Records indicate that the dumping has been going on since the foundation of the campus, dating back to the 1980s. Local residences often thought the different shades of color were a form of bacteria made from the ocean, dismissing the notion of any wrongdoing.  However, after hours of interrogation, the dean of FSU admitted that there has been massive dumping of Garnet and Gold into the Gulf of Mexico for some time. “As dean of the prestigious Florida State University, I am obligated to spread Garnet and Gold as far as I can. This is a tradition of responsibility that has been handed down from dean to dean, and I had to play my role. I’m sorry this had to be a secret, but it’s necessary.“

In becoming not only the largest college scandal of all time, but also the largest scandal of this generation, Florida State had some explaining to do. The dean from the University of Florida was furious when informed of the Garnet and Gold invasion of Gainesville, and personally demanded answers along with justice to be served. The dean from the University of Miami could not be reached for comments, probably because Garnet and Gold has always dominated Miami and his say doesn’t matter when FSU is involved.

After the initial admittance to the dumping scandal, the law team representing Florida State University released multiple documents from various academic scholars.  The documents showcased findings that proved that the Garnet and Gold was all natural, environmentally friendly, and perfectly legal to dump. In a time when staying ahead of the competition means everything, Florida State leads with the upper hand again. As one researcher noted, “The amount of Garnet and Gold that has been dumped is irreversible; it will only keep spreading now that it’s in the world.”

— Jay Sullivan

Four Crossed Logs intern

professional communication major

Note: Like the medicine man Abiaka, this column embraces the crazy and absurd world by delivering its own “medicine.” The stories are satire pieces and in no way should be taken seriously. Sharing and continuing Abiaka’s legacy is an honor that will bring more awareness towards his history. Read more about Abiaka's history